...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
