Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
