I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize