All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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