its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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