She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
