The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize