I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
