i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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