When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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