it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
