I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
