I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
