I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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