im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
