but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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