Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
