he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
