I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
