be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
