Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
