I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
