Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
