Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
