i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
