she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
