He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
be right there i have to get my cape
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
