i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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