Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
