I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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