Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
