In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
