I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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