Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
