The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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