Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
