My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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