I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
