I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
That's when you crack a 10am beer
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
