Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
