my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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