apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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