I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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