i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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