but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize
