when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
