I just threw up on my dentist
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
