I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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