yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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