Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Don't EVER smell your tampon
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize