just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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