you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
