i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
