Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
