: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Randomize
