I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
