She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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