2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Rumble strips road head = magical
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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